Bye Week: Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay, Tennessee, Mike Smith, so that he can update his resume
New Orleans @ Carolina
I have a feeling that Carolina is going to struggle on short rest. I can see them scoring ten points, AT MOST, even though they’re playing at home. My guess? Drew Brees throws for around 297 yards, Mark Ingram scores a couple touchdowns and the Saints dominate early en route to an easy win. I’m very confident about these things.
Saints 28, Panthers 10
Tampa Bay @ Cleveland
One of the reasons this column got submitted so late this week (the other reason being that I didn’t do it before Friday) was that I spent Friday and most of the day Saturday at Harrah’s casino in Southern California for “Haunted Harrah’s”; a concert event that went from 8 PM-4 AM and featured 42 musicians spread over six different stages. The highlight of all these musicians was undoubtedly Ice Cube who, I swear to God, was scheduled to play from 12:45-1:00 AM in the “Frankenstein’s Lab” room. To his credit, he ended up doing around 30 minutes and he absolutely killed it. The room was packed for him and everyone was going nuts. Still, the fact that he was scheduled for 15 minutes at ANY POINT during the preparation of this event is hilarious. “Hey guys, I can probably do three songs, but no more than four. I know it’s going to be 1 A.M on a Saturday, but that’s usually when I work on my script for the sequel to Are We There Yet.”
He apparently never heard my screams for him to do something from his Coors Light commercials, but Regardless, I was satisfied.
Not satisfying? Anything to do with this game. I’d rather watch Ghosts of Mars again.
Browns 17, Bucs 13
Arizona @ Dallas
I’m all in on Arizona. Every time I doubt them, they find a way to win. They’re exactly the kind of team I would root for if they weren’t playing in the same division as my favorite team. Still, I’m picking them to win this game. I’ve always said, in a game of two powerhouses, go for the team not starting a quarterback with two fractures in his back.
Cardinals 22, Cowboys 14
Philadelphia @ Houston
Have you ever seen Bar Rescue? Bar Rescue is basically a Kitchen Nightmare knockoff where instead of Gordon Ramsey yelling at imbeciles who freeze their crab cakes; it’s some big American guy who yells at people that can’t pour drinks. There is usually a portion of the show where they send “moles” in to test out the establishment. Almost every time these “moles” go into the bar, order a drink and then come back to Jon Taffer (within the last three sentences I researched this dude’s name via Google. Journalism!) and complain to him about how strong these drinks are. “I ordered a margarita and it was WAY too strong. I think she used two shots in my drink!” Are you kidding me?! A bar that makes strong drinks? OH DEARY ME! In my twenties, my friends and I would have bought an RV just so we could sleep in the parking lot of such a place! There’s a bar nearby my place that I affectionately call the Buzz & Bang and people FLOCK there for the cheap drinks. They pour a liquor of your choice until either you say “that’s good” or your forehead hits the glass. During happy hour, it’s two of these drinks at a cost of four dollars. Jon Taffer would have a conniption if he saw these heavy pours, but I promise that once he regulated the shots per drink ratio and taught everyone how to properly make a mint julep, that place would go out of business. Don’t mess with my hole-in-the-wall establishments Bar Rescue. Other things I wouldn’t trust: This Houston team to beat the Eagles.
Eagles 31, Texans 21
NY Jets @ Kansas City
Years ago I had an apartment literally across the street from the Bobby McGee’s bar in Brea, CA (totally different from now. Now I live across from a bar in Glendora,CA). I was 21, maybe 22, and had absolutely zero game with the opposite sex. It was a waste of a locale. So one night I go to McGee’s with a friend of mine and the two of us begin chatting up a very cute waitress who happened to be working her last night at the establishment. Turns out she’s moving to New York later that week. So her and I kind of hit it off and spend most of the night talking to each other. At one point she comes by with a tray full of shots and drags me to a secluded part of the patio. We end up splitting the shots between the two of us(they were quite weak; it wasn’t like we were shooting tequila) and spent a good 45 minutes chatting on the patio. Later on, my friend is looking to hook me up and asks the waitress if she would mind giving me a ride home. She says it’s no problem. It’s on!! My friend bolts and I sit at a table by myself waiting for her to finish up her shift. Now the difficulty in hooking up with said waitress lies in the small detail that I in fact do not need a ride home. I can simply walk to my front door; it would take less than a minute. A more seasoned vet might overcome this slight obstacle by simply relaying this detail to the waitress and then inviting her back to the apartment for a nightcap. But not I! Too afraid to lose the chance of getting her to my doorstep, I instead opted to have limited conversation with the waitress and instead continue to drink by myself hoping to calm my nerves now that I was that close to getting her back to my place.
That apartment complex was quite large, and had my apartment been in the far eastern corner, a ride back to my place might not have seemed too far-fetched. I lived in the building furthest west and closest to the road. There was a gate next to my building, but you couldn’t enter it after 11 PM, you could only exit it from inside the complex. So to enter the complex you had to enter the main entry, located about half a block east of that first gate. That layout lead to this exchange after I entered her car:
Her: Where do I go from here?
Me: Uh…turn right…
Her: K and how far am…
Me: Turn left here!
Her: You live in this complex?
(I direct her to my building)
Her: Are you kidding me?
Me: Sooo…do you want to come in?
Me: OK! You can actually leave out that gate in front of you.
Her: You mean the one facing the bar we just left?
Me: That’s the one! Enjoy New York!
(I slump back to my apartment to play video games)
Anyways, I showed the same ineptitude that the Jets have shown in just about every aspect of every game this season. I picked them to win last week. Between me picking the Jets to win and that whole story with the waitress, I’m not sure which to be more embarrassed about. Let’s just move on…
Chiefs 35, Jets 13
Jacksonville @ Cincinnati
Among the many things that went wrong with my picks last week (Big Ben throwing for six touchdowns, Cowboys looking like the Cowboys from the last five years, Green Bay showing up drunk to play the Saints), nothing angered me more than Steve Smith getting called for offensive pass interference on a touchdown that would have essentially beaten the Bengals. I honestly don’t know if it was the right call or not as I never saw a replay, but it could have shown Smith ramming defensive players with a cattle prod and I would have called bull shit. All logic goes out the window when I’m angry at a football game. “C’mon! HE CLEARLY USED THAT PROD WITHIN FIVE YARDS OF THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE!” I’d rather have my pick lose by40 points than a last minute offensive PI call. Anyways, Cincinnati is still struggling on defense, but this is Jacksonville. Jacksonville is in this league to improve opposing defenses.
Bengals 27, Jags 12
San Diego @ Miami
The Dolphins have been pretty impressive since their loss to the Chiefs in Week 3, but I can’t fathom the Chargers losing three games in a row. I would have also never fathomed seeing a commercial where Kevin Spacey is voicing a character in a video game, so maybe take this pick with a grain of salt. You’ve won two academy awards! You were in my favorite movie (The Usual Suspects)! You’re better than this Spacey. Get someone to greenlight American Beauty 2 instead. I don’t care if Lester Burnham comes back as a zombie, it has to be a better career move than acting in a video game.
Chargers 19, Dolphins 16
Washington @ Minnesota
Among the many things that went wrong with my picks last week was Tampa Bay trying to close out the game last week against the Vikings. The Bucs were ahead 13-10 with under 2 minutes to go, but couldn’t stop the Vikings from marching down the field to notch the tying score. Then, after Tampa Bay won the coin toss, Austin Seferian-Jenkins (alum of my beloved University of Washington Huskies) fumbled the ball on the FIRST PLAY and the Vikings returned the fumble for a touchdown to win the game. That’s an ending I absolutely deserve after picking both the Bucs and the Jets to win in the same week. I’ll do my best to never let that happen again.
Speaking of bad moves, RGIII has been to promoted to starter less than a week after Colt McCoy led Washington to an upset victory over hated rival Dallas Cowboys. This makes sense because it’s stupid, and everything Washington does revolves around making the dumbest decision possible. Sure McCoy put together the best game of the season for any of the quarterbacks on the roster, but Washington has an injury-prone athlete to rush back on to the field! Surely this move won’t affect McCoy’s confidence when he’s called upon in the fourth quarter after RGIII’s leg gets bent in six different directions. It’s always best to treat an athlete with the same respect you give your third choice for booty call at 2 in the morning. “Hey Colt? Still awake? What’re you up to right now? Oh, Robert? He means nothing to us. You were our first choice all along bud…
Vikings 21, R*dsk*ns 13
St. Louis @ San Francisco
Oakland @ Seattle
Roughly the same game. Two underwhelming teams that should absolutely dominate this game at home. By the way, in case you’re wondering, it’s not a lot of fun as a Seahawk fan to spend each week hearing these stories from the locker room (Harvin isn’t happy, Lynch isn’t happy, Wilson isn’t black or something, etc) and then spend three hours on Sunday watching them struggle to look adequate at best. Obviously I haven’t given up on a team that’s 4-3 but the lows have definitely outnumbered the highs.
Niners 31, Rams 19
Hawks 21, Raiders 17
Denver @ New England
It seems like Brady and Manning have played at least once a season for the last ten years and yet every time this game comes up the media spins it into a once-in-a-lifetime occasion. And while I want to write about how fucking annoying it becomes once these two get together, I have to admit that I’ve completely avoided any and all coverage of this game. I’m going off assumptions that the media was overwrought and unbearable without actually witnessing a single minute of it. I have no problem with those assumptions. I’m actually quite confident that my assumptions are correct. Having said that, I am quite excited about watching this game. I love watching good football. But it’ll be on mute. Jesus, it’ll need to be on mute.
Broncos 31, Pats 28
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
It feels like a game the Ravens win for a few reasons:
1) Baltimore is the better team
2) The Ravens just came off a brutal loss against a division rival and;
3) The Ravens get to play another division rival immediately after said loss
4) Big Ben is coming off of the best game of his life and;
5) Yet Vegas has Pittsburgh as 3 point underdogs. At home.
I could go on, but I think you get the gist. This is a game the Ravens needs to win to be considered a contender.
Ravens 22, Stealers 20
Indianapolis @ NY Giants
My Tweet from last week’s Colts/Stealers game:
“Hey everyone, thanks for talking about how good we are this year. Now go fuck yourself”
So, yeah, I wasn’t happy with them. Of all the upsets that happened, I’m still most shocked by the Colts’ no show against Pittsburgh. Big Ben had an amazing game, there’s no doubt, but Indianapolis has been dominant all year. Even a great game by Roethlisberger shouldn’t equate to 522 yards and six touchdowns against that defense. I would be shocked to see Eli have the same kind of success this week. I expect the Colts to make some serious adjustments. Most notably the one that reminds Indy defenders that they’re playing Eli Manning this week. Look for the throw towards double coverage!
Colts 24, Giants 14
Last Week: 8-7
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