Check out Elliott Smith’s NFL picks for week two:
NY Jets @ Buffalo
Hey, that was actually a good game for once. Usually Thursday Night Football is reserved for single digit scores, but these teams came to play. And, is there anything more Buffalo than the Bills giving their quarterback a huge extension and then firing the offensive coordinator after two games?
Jets 37, Bills 31
Tampa Bay @ Arizona
People everywhere were praising Jameis Winston after his four touchdown performance against Atlanta, from the commentators in the booth to fans on social media. It got me thinking, thank God he was only accused of rape and nothing worse. I mean, sure FSU ended up paying $950,000 to one of his victims, but what if something more serious had happened? What if he had chosen to not stand during the National Anthem? I shudder to think of the hell he would’ve had to endure. But, luckily, that didn’t happen and he’s able to play football unmolested. Hopefully other players will take note about what you can and cannot do in the National Football League, and especially in America. Makes me proud!
Cards 31, Bucs 19
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
This might be the first NFL game to feature maces and crossbows. If you can bet on personal foul penalties, I’d bet the over!
Steelers 27, Bengals 24, Deaths 3
Tennessee @ Detroit
“Honey, have you seen the remote?”
Lions 42, Titans 15
Baltimore @ Cleveland
Wife: Honey, the Ravens-Browns game is on!
(Passes TV room)
(Sprints through the front door, down the driveway and into oncoming traffic)
Side note- Did anyone think Griffin was going to stay healthy this season? Rumor has it some kid in Cleveland hung a RGIII poster in his room and the house collapsed.
Ravens 26, Browns 10
Dallas @ Washington
Dez Bryant-Hey bud
Dak Prescott-Oh, hey! Nice to meet you!
(grabs football and a pen)
Prescott-Should I make it out to you Dez?
Bryant-I’m on the team.
Prescott-OH, OK. Good for you man. Are you like on the practice squad or like scout team or something.
Bryant-I’M DEZ BRYANT.
Prescott-Ok, yeah you mentioned that. Sooooo…
Bryant-Listen, dipshit, I want to talk to you about our offense. I only caught one pass for eight yards last game and-
Prescott-You caught a pass last game? That’s awesome! Good for you man, that’s something you’re never going to forget. You should keep that game ball. I’m proud of you!
Bryant-I’m a fucking All-Pro receiver!
Prescott-Exactly! That’s the attitude! You keep that positivity and one day you might actually make a name for yourself in this league. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get home. Hopefully coach gets you in the game for a couple of plays next week too! If he does, come say hi man!
Bryant-God I miss Romo…
Redskins 28, Cowboys 20
New Orleans @ NY Giants
Bet the over.
Giants 96, Saints 91
San Francisco @ Carolina
I know lots of people are making a big deal about Cam Newton and his probably concussion during the Panthers-Broncos game, but I did find a sideline feed after one of those helmet-to-helmet hits. After watching the film, I feel like Carolina followed proper protocol. I jotted down the dialogue so you could decide for yourself:
Coach: How you feeling Cam?
Trainer: Cam, how many fingers am I holding up?
Cam Newton: lajfasjfllasdjfkjasljflajklfjaklsjfajl
Coach: That’s good Cam, use your words bud
Trainer: I couldn’t quite catch what you were saying cam…
Newton: (sits on ground)
Coach: He’s looking fine, I think he’s good to go
Newton: (Puts helmet on backwards, runs and trips over bench)
Coach: Someone point him towards the field! Go get ‘em Cam
Newton: (Votes for Trump)
Panthers 24, Niners 13
Scene from an old movie that now currently bothers me
Not a scene and not an old movie, but all of Neighbors 2 that I just finished watching not 5 minutes ago. For those that need a refresher, in the first movie Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne are married and live next to Zac Efron, who runs a frat house. They do a bunch of stuff to each other and it’s actually pretty funny!
But the second one flips all that on its head. Now, Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne live next to Chloe Louis Dryfuss (I don’t know her name, but that blonde girl who was in the new Carrie and Kick Ass and Let Me In and…whatever. That actress). In the sequel, Chloe Sauvignon Blanc wants to be in a sorority. But because other sororities aren’t allowed to party, she starts her own sorority! And they need to party! So when Seth and Rose ask them to just keep it quiet until they clear Escrow, Chloe and the Holograms say no because, drugs man. So Seth and Rose call Chole’s dad, and Chloe gets mad and the girls start terrorizing the couple. How do you ask? Well they throw parties. And one time they all get in their bikinis and tear off Seth Rogan’s clothes. And they hack Seth and Rose’s phones and text them a bunch. And Zac Efron is shirtless a bunch. And…fuck, it’s so fucking terrible. I laughed twice during the whole thing. Once when Seth and Zac try to escape a locked garage and once when it was over, because I couldn’t believe I didn’t just turn it off at some point.
Miami @ New England
I’m dating a Patriots fan, and we’re in a pick ‘em league together. I do our picks and I picked the Cardinals to beat New England. All last week I had to hear her tell me to pick the Patriots, and all week I had to keep explaining to her that I knew what I was doing. And I had to explain the reasons each and every time. Tom Brady isn’t playing. The Cardinals are good. Rookie quarterback on the road. Vegas has Arizona favored by 9. So of course the Patriots win because the fucking Patriots always win. I’m getting plenty of “I told you so” looks and it’s all because of that team. Yes, I take these things personally. And, yes, I picked the Patriots to win this week.
Pats 35, Dolphins 19
Kansas City @ Houston
I have to fly to Montana for a wedding, and I’ve known about this for months. I logged on to check flights maybe two months ago and I find the cost to be $250. That’s cheaper than usual, and I say “Sweet”! A few weeks later, I logged on to check flights, and it’s still the same price. “Sweet”! A few weeks after that I check again, and it’s still $250. Super happy! So, this week, I say “OH, I should probably buy that plane ticket, the wedding’s in less than two weeks”. So, I log on to check the cost and it’s $359, and I say “GODDAMMIT! WHY DIDN’T I BUY IT WEEKS AGO?! WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS?! TWENTY YEARS OF BUYING PLANE TICKETS AND I ALWAYS PULL THE TRIGGER TOO LATE! HOW AM I STILL THIS STUPID??!!” And I still haven’t bought the ticket because now I’m so mad at myself I refuse to pay the extra $100, which means it will be even MORE expensive whenever I bite the bullet and make the purchase.
MEANWHILE, Andy Reid (who has been mismanaging the game clock literally his entire career) coached the Chiefs through a comeback where they were down by three touchdowns in the second half. Andy Reid, who would take 45 minutes to boil an egg, had no problem making sound and reasonable decisions for an entire half and I can’t correctly get a plane ride home. I’m going to go throw things now.
Chiefs 22, Texans 17
Seattle @ Los Angeles
I’m very tempted to go to this game because a) it’s my Seahawks and I live in Southern California and b) these tickets were extremely overpriced (first game in LA since 1994) up until the Rams laid a goose egg against the Niners on Sunday. Now the prices are much more reasonable! The only problem is that the Rams have owned the Seahawks for the last few years and there’s nothing worse than watching your team lose while sitting in an opponent’s stadium. It’s like being in a room filled with your girl’s ex-boyfriends. So, instead, I might opt for watching the game from my couch where I can comfortably hurl things at the television and scream obscenities without having to apologize to people. Oh and Wilson is gimpy, which shouldn’t hinder our offense too much. Last game he set his career high in passing attempts en route to our offense scoring a whole 12 points, so he should be fine against the league’s best defensive line.
Hawks 12, Rams 9
Jacksonville @ San Diego
(stares at computer screen)
(opens word document)
(reads ESPN pre-game write-up on the game)
(Googles “Eric Decker’s wife”)
(scrolls through pictures for five minutes)
(brings word document back up)
Chargers 20, Jags 16
Atlanta @ Oakland
I guess I’m willing to accept that the Raiders could be good this year, and good Lord, after seeing what Tampa Bay did to the Falcon’s secondary I’m thinking this one could get ugly quickly. I mean, even their coach seems competent! Why has going for two instead of going to overtime not become more popular? How are the Raiders the trendsetters on something like this? Between Oakland being good and Andy Reid no longer doing Andy Reid things, I’m to have to stock up the beer fridge to get through this season.
Raiders 42, Falcons 28
Indianapolis @ Denver
I bet Peyton Manning gets more mentions than either of the starting quarterbacks.
Broncos 14, Colts 10
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Vegas has the Packers only getting two points and I can’t figure out why. What am I missing here? Green Bay is very good and the Vikings have Shaun Hill at quarterback. Or Sam Bradford. Is Jordy Nelson not back? Is Eddie Lacy injured? I’m going to take the Packers to win big here and I’m going to feel really stupid when I find out Green Bay swapped out Aaron Rodgers’s brother from The Bachelor to play quarterback.
Packers 35, Vikings 10
Philadelphia @ Chicago
Lots of people were wondering aloud how Jared Goff was feeling after Carson Wentz drove down the field and scored a touchdown on his first drive, but I’m more worried about Jay Cutler. I mean, he hasn’t had a drive that flawless in five years. Jay Cutler is the Neighbors 2 of NFL quarterbacks.
Bears 17, Eagles 10
Last week: 10-6